
List of top 10 excuses for loosing a game of chess:
1. Dog ate score sheet;
2. Dead batteries in hidden transmitter;
3. Went outside for fresh air, forgot about tournament;
4. Disturbed by own reflection in opponent’s sunglasses;
5. Still despondent over 1964 death of Fred Reinfeld;
6. Inexplicably confused ECO A29 line 13 note 87c with ECO A13 line note 87c; lost queen;
7. Unlucky pairing with historical nemesis G. Kasparov;
8. During play, pondered both sides of ICC controversy; lost on time;
9. Studied book *How to Beat Bobby Fischer*; was unprepared for other opponents;
10. After making move, accidentally punched opponent instead of clock.
Humor by Don Scoones
Some more chess jokes from random online sources:
A chess master died – after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
“What’s it like, where you are now,” he asked.
“What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, it’s really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they’re all here, and you can play them.”
“Fantastic!” the friend said, “and what is the bad news?”
“You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday.”
A Chess Player is walking from the lake carrying two fish in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. The Chess player says to the warden, “I did not catch these fish; they are my pets’ pawn. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these fish jump out and I take around to see the sights only to return them at the end of the day; remember that the Chess Board is like an ocean; full of fish”. The warden, does not play chess, he not had any idea what he’s talking about; not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The Chess Player turns to the warden and says,
“CHECK” “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the fish back into the water. The warden says, “Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will come out of the water.” The Chess Player turns to the warden and says, “What fish!?”
In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say:
“What a clever dog!”
But the man protests:
“No, no, he isn’t that clever. I’m leading by three games to one!”
Frasier: I can see why she likes the game – “the king is stationary, the queen has all the power”.
“So I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov – Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!”
Q. Which chess piece is the most powerful?
A. The Knight, It goes over the top.
2 friends see themselves by the street and one of them says:
- My wife says that if tomorrow I go to the chess match, it will take my children and it will leave me.
The other friend asks to him:
- And what you will do?
And the other answers to him:
- E4, like always!
Q – Which group of women are the best chess players?
A – Feminists. Their opponents begin with King and Queen, but *they* always start with 2 Queens.
A gentleman must play a game of chess with a blind person, he proposes to the blind person:
“As him cannot see he will grant an advantage to him as part of the deal. We will not play in equality of conditions.”
“This sound really fair” replied the Blind Person.
Then he asks the gentleman: “When?”
“Very well”, the other men responded to him “any night that you prefer.”
“I’ve created a chess program that mimics human play” said the computer science major.
“So it plays at GM level then?” asks the advising professor.
“No, but it does blame its loss on outside conditions!”
My computer beat me at chess.
Unfortunately my computer is not as good at kickboxing.
I think my computer will have to forfeit the tiebreak round.
Looking for some more chess humor? See my 10 real chess jokes post. And have fun!
Image Credit: http://www.zazzle.com